White Women Explain Why They Love Fall

“Don’t go around asking questions you’re not prepared to learn the answer to. Someone might get hurt.”

“All the leaves on the ground are basically free salad.”

“I love the first crisp day when I can wear 75 sweaters at once and roll down the street like a fat woolly wrecking ball.”

“Oh no, you’re not gonna get me! I enjoy all seasons equally, and I think they all deserve to be treated with respect.”

“The start of fantasy football makes it much easier to cheat on my husband.”

“You can charge a bunch of Range Rover–driving dumbasses $30 a pop to wander around your yard.”

“It’s easier to find worms. The rain brings them closer to the surface.”

“The same reason every white woman loves it: October is Chubby Checker’s birthday month!”

“No reason in particular.”

“The hat brims become smaller, and I topple over less as a result.”

“Sept. 21 is the day that Chinese emperor Hong Taiji died.”

“The beautiful autumn trees mean it’s almost winter, which means holidays, which means chubbers, which means cha-ching.”

“Fall is the time of year when the raven returns to me and tells me of the future.”

“Because my birthday is in May!”

“The leaves cover it up when I do my business on my neighbor’s lawn.”

“What’s not to love? There are pumpkins, fallen leaves, hayrides, apple cider, bugs, glass, magnets, purple, cactus, pennies, ranch, circus, octagon, and who can forget goo!”

“The CEO of Starbucks said he’d slit my throat if I said I didn’t like it.”

“The soups! Chicken noodle. Noodle with chicken. Gazpacho. Cream of. Menthol. Little bits of wet tarp. Kimchi and fishing nets. Bad soup. Lima bean disgrace. Porcupine and loose women. Nylon and old peas. My mother sipping soup until she dies. Tortilla express. Three bean.”

“My ancestors came to this country because they were persecuted in their homeland for their love of chilly weather and warm spices.”

“When the leaves fall off the trees, it makes me finally look prettier than them.”

“It’s maybe the one thing I like that I didn’t appropriate from Black women.”

“I’m a scarecrow.”

“I love spending $60 on things that are orange.”

“You’re expecting me to say something about a pumpkin spice latte, right? Well, you know what? My husband just died in a horrifying car accident, so excuse me if I let myself enjoy a fucking pumpkin spice latte so for a second I don’t think about my dead husband’s mangled body!”

“I love seeing all my Jewish friends celebrate their holiday, Halloween.”