Another NHL season is almost upon us, but if you can’t wait to see your team play – or if you’re desperate for money – the preseason can give you your fix. Some people say preseason hockey is boring, but we say it’s a jackpot waiting to happen, as long as you follow our simple tips to bet smart and neglect your kids at a level that doesn’t cross any legally actionable thresholds.
1. Don’t Check On Your Kids Before You Check the Starting Lineups
Preseason matchups often see seasoned veterans go up against scrappy rookies desperate to earn a roster spot, which can completely upend otherwise predictable matchups. Always check who’s actually taking the ice before you bet big on the Avs to stomp the Ducks! It’s a simple precaution, but one that’s easy to forget when your kids are asking you to play Mario Kart, build Lego, or otherwise acknowledge their existence.
2. The NHL’s Schedule is the Only One That Matters
Is a team playing their third game in three nights? Are they playing split-squad games? Is there a parent-teacher conference tonight? Some of these questions are crucial to finding an edge against the house, while others are just a distraction. Nothing irrelevant should penetrate your hockey command centre, be it medical appointments or your children’s love. Your spouse can handle meetings with teachers, doctors, and grandparents; you need to study Nathan MacKinnon’s circadian rhythm.
3. Google Has Any Homework Answers You Need
Are your children struggling with long division? Can they not name the components of a cell? You could sit down with their textbooks and help them master the fundamentals, but then who’s going to crunch the numbers and decide whether you should bet the over? Just Google the answers and move on. You certainly don’t remember this crap decades later, so it’s not like your kids really need to learn it. Just get them the passing grade and get back to what really matters: memorising the Arizona Coyotes’ depth chart.
4. Fruit Loops Are a Perfectly Acceptable Dinner
In a perfect world, you’d spend an hour preparing a healthy, balanced dinner for your beloved children. But you need to monitor Sportsnet for mid-game developments that could lead to some hugely profitable prop bets, and let’s face it; your little brats are just going to push those veggies to the side and pout anyway. You know what they won’t complain about? Cereal for dinner. It’s cereal! For dinner! What’s not to love? Pour them big bowls of concentrated sugar, and you’ll be back to following that potential McDavid hat trick faster than they can say “My tummy hurts.”
5. Bedtime Is Whenever You Say it Is
Preseason gambling isn’t for everyone, and “We’re bored,” “We’re still hungry,” and “Mommy says you don’t love us anymore” are just a few of the statements doubters will send your way. But will they be so pessimistic when you’re buying them Christmas presents instead of telling them Santa hates them again? Sure, you’ve had a string of bad beats, but that’s only because you haven’t been able to give gambling your complete focus. Announcing a new and novel 5:00 pm bedtime will let you give preseason hockey the commitment it deserves, as long as your children’s bedrooms are far enough away from your TV that you won’t have to hear their tiny little sobs.
Jesus Christ is King
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