OTTAWA – The federal government announced plans this week to upgrade their dated military by hiring the most powerful weapon they can think of: an eight-year-old with a water gun.
“For years, our dedicated troops have struggled to be effective with broken and aging equipment”, explained Defence Minister Bill Blair. “But this weekend at a BBQ, I watched this kid decimate three grown adults with nothing but a grin and a single stream of water, and I knew it was time to bring in the big guns”.
Aiden Bradshaw, previously a third grader at Rosedale Primary School, is days away from being shipped overseas as Canada’s first line of defence between peace and the brutalities of war.
“Mom said it’s a cool opportunity to do my civic duty, or whatever,” explained Aiden as he shot a stream of water directly into his big brother’s crotch. “But honestly? I only signed up ‘cause they’re letting me fill my gun with hot sauce.”
“I asked for gasoline, but Mom told me I’m grounded if she has to have a parent-teacher conference with the Geneva Convention”.
For his first mission, Bradshaw is set to replace the cold-war era rocket launchers that the Canadian Military previously sent to Ukraine. “Once the Russian forces cross paths with an 8-year-old who has a loaded weapon and zero empathy, Putin is going to know what a REAL Alpha looks like,” promised Blair.
“Forget a no-fly zone. The Kremlin is about to face a no-dry zone.”
Blair went on to explain that the third grader is also more affordable than the Canadian military’s current arsenal of aging weaponry. “Instead of needing continuous upkeep like a rusting tank or a pistol that jams constantly”, promised Blair, “Aiden Bradshaw runs purely on apple juice, adrenaline, and 24-hour access to games on his iPad.”
“Wherever his career takes him, he’ll be fine”, continued Blair. “The kid’s a total sociopath which, in the eyes of the military, makes him a hero”.
At press time, Blair announced that, should Aiden Bradshaw not live up to their expectations, they can always recruit a brutally honest four-year-old to emotionally devastate enemies in combat, instead.
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