Wife Dies Instantly After Drinking Water That Wasn’t Filtered, Remineralized, And Served In Oversize Tumbler

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — Tragedy struck the Christofferson household this weekend when wife Hailey ignorantly sipped water that was neither filtered, remineralized, nor served in her 640 oz Stanley™ micro tumbler, causing her to die instantly.

“I was there when she recklessly swallowed a single mouthful of poisonous regular water,” said her friend/life coach Sheri. “I could have sworn I’d transmuted her positivity meridians into understanding the vital importance of adding the contents of these 17 diverse nutritional packets into water that had been sent through a Berkey water filtration system, sunned, and properly structured to the point of true hexagonality.”

Hailey’s death is one of thousands that could have been prevented with strict adherence to a regimen that did not exist three years ago. According to a multifaceted study conducted by over 100 Instagram health influencers, electrolyte depletion was the number one reason women suffered from headaches, fatigue, ugliness, rickets, crickets, poorness, and low follower count.

At publishing time, the late Hailey Christofferson’s husband, Eric, had died tragically after going one day without taking an ice bath.

Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction
Babylon Bee

Jesus Christ is King