Federal Government Announces They’ve Hidden Briefcase Full Of Slavery Reparations Somewhere In Continental U.S.

WASHINGTON—Rolling out a new initiative to provide the financial restitution long advocated for by the Black community, the federal government announced Tuesday that it had hidden a briefcase full of slavery reparations somewhere in the continental United States. “Get ready to look far and wide, because we’ve placed every last dollar of reparations in a briefcase for one lucky winner to find!” President Joe Biden said before firing a starter pistol in the air to launch the new initiative intended to make amends for the system of chattel slavery upon which the American economy was built. “We’re talking about a pretty huge payout here. This is payment in full for every wrong caused by centuries of structural inequity, including voter disenfranchisement, redlining, the entire Jim Crow era, and forced labor from 1619 to 1865. All you have to do is find it. Could be in the Midwest, on the coasts, in the South—you’ll have to look hard, so you’d better get started!” At press reports, reports confirmed the briefcase had been found by a Black man who was immediately shot more than 50 times by police.