New Clinic Provides Drug Users With Free Scolding

DAYTON, OH—In an effort to provide those suffering from substance-use disorder with the resources they need most, a drug clinic that opened its doors Tuesday in downtown Dayton confirmed it now provides drug users with free scolding. “This clinic offers anyone using drugs a safe place to speak with someone trained to chastise them for their decisions and explain to them how their choices are all their fault,” said clinic spokesperson Kim Fowler, adding that the clinic was open 24/7 to give drug users a warm place to sit while a staff member browbeat them for using drugs in both group and one-on-one settings. “Drug abuse is an epidemic in this country, and whether it’s fentanyl, heroin, or prescription opioids, drug users will find our staff is ready and willing to take them to task for their state in life—we’re all judgment here. We’re taking these people out of their desperate circumstances and giving them a good finger-wagging before sending them on their way.” The clinic also reportedly provides services to those who have experienced a drug overdose, with clinicians on hand to stand over the body of an overdosing person to administer a harsh lecture about their immorality.