WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just one day after the unprecedented removal of Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House of Representatives, tragedy struck on Capitol Hill, as the crew tasked with moving Nancy Pelosi out of her long-occupied “hideaway” office was crushed to death by a sudden avalanche of empty wine bottles.
“They never saw it coming,” said one source within the Capitol who asked to remain anonymous. “They were just here to help. They expected to be carrying a lot of boxes of books and office equipment and some furniture…but they didn’t expect several years’ worth of empty glass bottles to rain down upon them like the apocalypse. You always hear about how alcohol abuse can kill, but not like this.”
Pelosi was ordered to vacate the office by the end of the day by Interim House Speaker Patrick McHenry, who did not foresee the danger awaiting the moving crew. “I can’t help but feel partially responsible for what happened,” McHenry said in a statement following the accident. “We’ve all seen Nancy pound a couple bottles of wine during a vote. I should have known better what was awaiting in her office.”
Experts attempted to console the victims’ families by assuring them they died instantly. “It’s unlikely they felt anything,” said Dr. Tom Prichard. “With that many bottles, weighing that much, these men were likely crushed before they could even hear any glass break.”
At publishing time, flags at the U.S. Capitol were ordered to be lowered to half-staff to mourn Pelosi’s loss of her office.
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