Commander Biden Gnaws Washington Monument Down To Slobber-Covered Stub

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was no excuse for the first dog’s most recent instance of bad behavior, the White House confirmed Thursday that Commander Biden had gnawed the Washington Monument down to a slobber-covered stub. “We turn our backs for two minutes, and boom, we find Commander sitting there on the National Mall with the entire Washington Monument in his mouth,” said White House aide Paul Stephens, adding that no matter how much they attempted to distract the dog with treats, tried to pry his mouth open with their hands, or yelled “Drop it,” the 2-year-old German shepherd continued to growl and bite enormous chunks of cement off the 555-foot tall obelisk. “While we love Commander, we cannot continue to allow him to misbehave, especially after he took what remained of the monument and tried to hide it under a rug in the West Wing. This is almost as bad as when he tore apart the Lincoln Memorial in search of a squeaker. We will not let this happen again.” At press time, sources confirmed Commander Biden had a bad case of the runs and was defecating chunks of cement all over the Reflecting Pool.