SEATTLE—Bemoaning the hubris that had led humanity to this pitiable state, researchers confirmed Thursday that overinvestment in alternative energy had plunged the earth into a sixth ice age. “We knew all along that the rapid deployment of solar, geothermal, and wind energy would reduce global temperatures to dangerous lows, but we couldn’t stop ourselves—and now there’s an ice sheet encasing all of Canada,” said University of Washington climate scientist Gwendolyn Brufke, shivering and exhaling visible mist in a subzero conference room as she described the direct correlation between switching to electric cars and the Manhattan skyline disappearing beneath heavy snowfall earlier this week. “It happened so quickly that it felt like there was no way to stop the mass die-off of nearly every mammal on the planet from hypothermia. But of course, we could have stopped it. All we had to do was burn a little more coal and keep up the fracking leases. But we were too greedy, too dead set on switching over to renewable energy sources. Now we’re paying the price.” At press time, Brufke had reportedly collapsed from exposure and was slowly succumbing to the elements as she insisted that anyone who was listening take her death as a warning to switch back to burning natural gas.
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