Starbucks Pledges To Eliminate Wasteful Paper Cups By Pouring Coffee Directly Down Customers’ Gullets

SEATTLE, WA — In an effort to combat climate change and reduce excess waste, coffee shop mega-chain Starbucks has announced it will eliminate its paper cups effective immediately and begin pouring coffee directly down the throats of its customers.

“It’s a far more efficient — and environmentally conscious — coffee delivery method,” said Starbucks marketing spokesperson Barry Darsow. “With the sheer number of locations we have around the world and the number of paper cups we go through, getting rid of the cups and pumping our coffee straight into the mouths of our customers will be revolutionary, both for our bottom line and for our planet!”

Customers reached for comment on the change seemed unconcerned. “I don’t care! Gimme my coffee, baby!” shouted visibly shaking loyal Starbucks customer Bill Eadie. “Cup or no cup, I need my caffeine hit multiple times a day! Pour it down my gullet! I don’t care how badly it burns! Do it! Do it! Do it!”

The change in strategy is expected to not only save the company millions of dollars due to not having to pay for cups and lids but also eliminate an estimated five hundred trillion metric tons of trash in the form of discarded coffee cups. “This may, in fact, save the world,” said environmental scientist Brian Adams. “It had been our estimation that the entire world would be buried in empty Starbucks cups by 2050.”

At publishing time, Starbucks executives were also hoping that having scalding hot coffee poured down their throats would prevent customers from realizing Starbucks’s coffee tastes like moldy cigarettes.

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