Greta Thunberg Embraces Big Oil After Visiting Really Nice Highway Truck Stop

PORTER, IN—In a surprising pivot that sent shock waves through the environmental movement, climate justice activist Greta Thunberg told reporters Monday that she was embracing big oil after visiting a really nice highway truck stop in Indiana. “If I had known you could buy a phone case, new sunglasses, an energy drink, and a roller-grilled hot dog all in one stop, I never would have supported a worldwide divestment in fossil fuels,” the longtime renewable energy advocate said during her visit to the TA Travel Center at exit 22B off I-94, where she reportedly admired a huge display of pocket knives, purchased several different varieties of beef jerky, and announced she was now fully on board with subsidizing oil companies. “Without diesel trucks and gas-powered cars, this vibrant culture might face extinction. An entire way of life full of sarcastic bumper stickers, Otis Spunkmeyer muffins, DVDs of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, and Bible-themed crossword books could be wiped out forever.” Thunberg later announced a new campaign to promote offshore oil drilling during which she would tour America’s truck stops in a charter bus that gets six miles per gallon of fuel.