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Study Finds Charismatic Americans Experiencing Friendship Epidemic

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NEW YORK—A new study published Wednesday by researchers at Columbia University found that charismatic Americans are experiencing a friendship epidemic. “The data shows that captivating and social people have started acquiring an alarming number of friends and acquaintances—more than they know what to do with,” said lead researcher Jared McKinney, explaining that an increasing number of charming people who are easy to be around are struggling under the pressure of keeping up with all the events on their social calendars. “Sadly, we are seeing this happen more and more due to the ease at which these fascinating individuals can receive invites through social media. Fortunately, there are only a few million interesting Americans who anyone would want to be friends with, but as those people are in high demand, they often spend entire weekends partying with various companions.” McKinney added that if anyone knows a person who could be at risk, they should absolutely not reach out and let them spend a night in to recover.

The Onion

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