Brought to you by: Bumroll
Everything’s more expensive in this economy, including toilet paper! If you’re looking to save some money on pricey bathroom tissue, here are a few equally viable alternatives for wiping your posterior.
Use these today and start saving:
- The New York Times: Starting with the obvious one here. This option is probably more expensive, but totally worth it.
- US Currency: Soft, strong, and utterly worthless!
- Expired Biblical prophecy books: It’s probably safe to go ahead and use that book about Yasser Arafat being the Antichrist.
- US Women’s Soccer Tickets: We think they’re selling for around 5 cents per yard now.
- Any Stephen King novel written after 1996: What else are you gonna do with them? Read them?
- A copy of The Babylon Bee Guide to Gender: Buy several copies so you don’t run out!
- That $300 parenting course that promised the perfect child in 20 days or your money back: Wipe your behind with their LIES.
- The scripts of all the Disney Star Wars TV shows: They’re just on a flash drive, so it’s more a symbolic gesture than actually helpful, but still a worthwhile statement to make.
- Nothing at all: California unhoused persons only.
NOT SATIRE: Stop using lousy Leftist toilet paper!
Bumrolls are 100% recycled and sustainable, chlorine-free, PBA-free, plastic wrap-free bath tissue. They are ethically made In the USA and support American manufacturing jobs. We also reinvest in our forests by planting a tree for every box sold by donating to the National Forest Foundation’s “50 Million For Our Forests” campaign.
Use coupon code BEE to get $3 off your first shipment!
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!
Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction
Babylon Bee
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.