JERSEY CITY, NJ—Honoring the sadistic royal for his success at such an early age, popular business publication Forbes announced Thursday that a bloodthirsty boy king had been included on its “30 Under 30” list. “Bartholomew has shown incredible industry savvy while executing all who dare cross him, though he is still only 10 years old,” Forbes’ editors wrote in a profile on the savage, prepubescent monarch, who often orders his troops to slaughter civilians and livestock in an arbitrary exercise of his absolute power. “At 8, Bartholomew made his first big splash on the scene by forcing his sister to marry him at knifepoint, consolidating his iron fist of control over the land. Although critics have accused him of nepotism because his father was also a king, Bartholomew is adamant that he earned everything he has on his own, since he is the one who slit his own father’s throat to take the throne. His can-do attitude and unflinching ability to cut out the tongue of even his own trusted advisors exemplifies what we at Forbes like to see.” At press time, Bartholomew had stabbed out the eyes of the Forbes photographer before noting that he was considering investing in high-end real estate.
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