Hundreds Of Multipronged Israel-Palestine Proxy Wars Currently Being Fought Across Local Facebook Groups

CHICAGO—Affecting countless Americans from coast to coast, hundreds of multipronged Israel-Palestine proxy wars are currently being fought across local Facebook groups, sources confirmed Thursday. “From neighborhood watch groups to dachshund-owner meetup groups, there is basically no page right now that is free from conflict,” said military analyst Sandra Langwade, who noted that the conflict dating back to 1948 had now spilled over into posts appearing on youth soccer, birding, and even forklift-certification Facebook groups. “This war will be won not on battlefields, but on a community page called Lincoln Park Moms. The United Nations has dispatched peacekeepers into the comment sections, but they’re simply overwhelmed. And some of the things they’re seeing are very disturbing.” At press time, Langwade confirmed that Nextdoor had fallen under complete IDF occupation.