PHILADELPHIA, PA — In a beautiful display of solidarity between oppressed people groups, Black Lives Matter has spray painted the words “Justice For Palestine” on the front of a Nike store they just looted.
“We demand freedom for the Palestinians!” shouted one looter as he kicked his way through the broken glass of the store’s entrance. “As a sign to show how passionate we are about a free Palestine, we are here to destroy this local business and steal all the Air Jordans! WOOOOOO!”
BLM has made controversial statements and social media posts in support of the efforts of the terrorist organization Hamas following its shocking attacks on Israeli civilians. “The voice of colonized peoples must be heard!” screamed another BLM activist as he threw a brick through the windshield of a police cruiser responding to the looting. “By destroying businesses in our own neighborhoods, we send a very clear message that Israeli hostilities toward the poor, downtrodden Palestinians will no longer be tolerated! And kill whitey!”
Media and the general public alike were unsure what connection this new wave of riots and looting had with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “I think they just want to steal stuff,” said onlooker Zach Lewis. “Taking iPhones, Air Jordans, and cases of vodka doesn’t seem like it’s going to help the Palestinian cause in any way. But, hey, they sure seem passionate about stealing!”
At publishing time, BLM organizations across the country were reported to be purchasing large numbers of paragliders as a means of improving their ability to swoop in for more looting and destruction in American cities.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!
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