University Installs Red-Light Phones For Conservative Students Being Assaulted By Progressive Beliefs

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to improve student safety on campus, Cornell University reportedly completed the installation of 36 red-light emergency phones Thursday for conservative students to use if they feel they have been assaulted by progressive beliefs. “We are committed to protecting any right-leaning student who merely wants to get to their dorm or class without being threatened by trans rights or radical feminists,” Cornell president Martha E. Pollack said at a dedication ceremony, explaining that in order to receive help, conservative students merely need to press the button under one of the conveniently located phones and explain that they felt attacked after hearing arguments in support of an expanded welfare state or making abortion easily accessible. “Say you’re at a party when suddenly you’re cornered and expected to render a positive opinion about the recent Barbie movie. Or maybe it’s late at night, and you hear a pack of strangers approaching you from behind while discussing Michel Foucault. Perhaps you’re just in the library and realize that Karl Marx himself is on your reading list. Now all you have to do is get out of there immediately and retreat to one of our red light phones. We can have a counselor to you in under five minutes with a copy of Atlas Shrugged and a phone preloaded with Matt Walsh podcasts.” At press time, the university had come under fire after suggesting right-wing students could also avoid provoking unsafe situations by refraining from walking around late at night while wearing a bow tie.