NEW YORK—Expressing a deep sense of relief upon learning that one of the most persistent and insidious prejudices in human history was not real, local Jewish man Dan Applebaum was reportedly reassured Friday after being told antisemitism doesn’t exist. “Wow, this is a huge weight off my chest,” Applebaum said when he heard from a casual acquaintance that his concerns about the millennia-old hatred of the Jewish people were not founded in reality. “Understandably, I took the countless pogroms and genocides against people of my ancestry—and the horrific indifference of non-Jews to that plight—as something to be worried about in my everyday life. But now I realize none of that stuff ever happened. The crazy thing is that all of this made me think that anti-Jewish sentiment was so pervasive it could span not just continents, but even left and right partisan divides. Weird, right? Part of me actually has this distinct memory of antisemitic incidents hitting an all-time high in the United States just last year. But now I see I was completely wrong. And frankly, that’s an enormous comfort to me. I should probably tell my friends and family this news so they can stop crying.” At press time, Applebaum had reportedly drawn further solace upon learning from his acquaintance that the Holocaust was not as big of a deal as most made it out to be.
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