CHICAGO—Scanning the public transit vehicle for even one superficially healthy passenger, local man Will Ossers reportedly searched a crowded bus Friday for the least-wounded person to sit next to. “Hmm, would I rather sit next to someone with skin lesions or with a bloody gash on their forehead?” Ossers said as he made his way up and down the aisle looking for a single rider who didn’t have numerous oozing animal bites or a compound fracture. “I mean, that guy doesn’t appear to have anything wrong with him, but he sure is screaming a lot of profanities. There’re two free seats open in front of him, but they’re all splattered with bile.” At press time, sources confirmed Ossers had decided to just stand in a puddle of urine, diarrhea, and vomit instead.
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