Report: Sitting Down In Barrel Of Water Still Best Way To Put Out Fire On Ass

QUINCY, MA—Issuing its annual safety recommendations for preventing fire-related injury, the National Fire Protection Association released an updated report Thursday confirming that sitting down in a barrel of water remains the best way to put out a fire on one’s ass. “By far, the most effective method for extinguishing an ass fire is to immediately seek out the nearest basin of water and plunge into it ass-first,” the report read in part, explaining that the immersion of one’s backside in a large cylindrical container filled with water was three times more successful at reducing a buttocks blaze than hitting the flames with a rolled-up towel, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the origin of the fire. “If you’re not sure that your ass is on fire, warning signs include shooting straight up into the air with a ‘yeee-owwww’ as well as smelling something burning and then realizing the odor is from your own behind going up in flames. To ensure the ass fire is completely out, make sure to keep it submerged in the liquid until you hear a sizzle and let out a relieved sigh. This will not, however, prevent your pants from burning away and leaving a viewing window for your charred visible butt cheeks. Obviously, the best solution is always prevention, so please be mindful of how close your bottom is coming to the lit end of a dynamite stick and keep a safe distance.” At press time, the NFPA had released companion guidelines for preventing a piranha from biting one’s ass while it was submerged in the water.