WASHINGTON—Pushing back a black hood to reveal reddened, glowing eyes, Sen. Ron Darkness appeared on CNN Friday to try to garner support for a 1,000-year reign of blood. “In times of great tragedy, we as Americans must do all we can to enact many millennia of death and suffering,” the independent lawmaker from Hades said in an address delivered through all languages at once, reading off a teleprompter operated by Samael, Ruler of Hell, who reportedly left the studio floor peppered with unconscious and bleeding CNN crew members. “The harrowing images and rising death tolls coming out of the Middle East are, frankly, child’s play. Viscera must flow down every street. The oceans must blacken with blood and terror. We must crucify ourselves at the altar of death. That is why I am announcing my run for president.” Sen. Darkness went on to plead for all belligerents in the world’s conflicts to not relent until a 100% global casualty rate had been reached.
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