PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Donald Trump challenged his political opponents to an eclipse stare-off over the weekend to prove who among them has the most superior retinal strength.
“My eyes, they’re perfect eyes,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “At no time in history have there ever been a more perfect set of eyeballs than mine. I don’t even need to use those sissy eclipse glasses like my weak, far inferior competition. Poor little Ron ‘I Need Special Goggles To Not Go Blind Looking At The Sun’ Desantis has no chance!”
As a show of strength, Trump invited reporters to film him standing on the balcony of a Mar-A-Lago patio staring straight into the sun for three hours straight. After the display, Trump announced his eyes were now radioactive and could see through walls.
“I have to admit, it was impressive,” Wall Street Journal reporter Thomas Condron remarked. “I mean, the dude looked straight into the sun for three hours, cooked a perfect steak with the radiation from his eyes, then went out and shot ten under par. I don’t know about the primary, but he’s the clear solar-eclipse-stare-off frontrunner.”
As of press time, no GOP presidential candidates had taken Trump up on his challenge, although Vivek Ramaswamy booked three prime-time interviews to explain why staring at the sun was a RINO dog whistle and Niki Haley announced a plan to bomb the sun.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!
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