WASHINGTON—Noting that there were still so many lives to be lost, so much pain to be inflicted, and so much blood to be shed, a new report published Monday by researchers at American University found that when there could be an all-out war, a diplomatic solution sounded pretty fucking lame. “According to our study, in situations where there could be widespread violence and mass casualties on a genocidal scale, signing some kind of cease-fire, peace treaty, or truce sounds like some goddamn pansy shit,” said professor of international relations James Lewis, adding that anyone who looked for a mutually beneficial outcome, sought common ground, or even attempted to temporarily broker peace when an entire group of people could be tortured, murdered, or blown off the face of the planet was an absolute fucking moron. “After researching countless global conflicts across the world over the past millennium, we found that the most boring, weak-willed, limp-dicked thing you could do was put on a suit, write down some mutually agreed upon laws, and then obey those very laws like some kind of child. Seriously, grow up, bolster your military, continue to stoke the flames of conflict, and kill your fellow man in a hate-filled rage like an adult. Diplomacy is for pussies. Blood, blood, blood.” Lewis added that the researchers further found that anyone who sympathized with any individual who lost their life in a conflict—regardless of their gender, age, race, nationality, or religion—was fucking stupid and should be immediately killed as a result.
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