New Law Requires People Who Publicly Announce They Need To Take A Piss To Register As Sex Offenders

WASHINGTON—With the passage of a landmark bill that received widespread bipartisan support in Congress and was immediately signed into law by President Biden, a new federal statute requires anyone who publicly announces their need to take a piss to register as a sex offender. “Those who loudly declare to people around them that they are going to ‘take a leak’ will now be charged with a class A misdemeanor and added to their state’s sex offender registry,” said Rep. Tom Cole (R-OK), a co-sponsor of the bill, who explained that announcing one’s plan to “empty the bladder” or referring to one’s genitals as a lizard that must be drained would result in a maximum fine of $100,000 and up to a year in jail. “Whether you are in a restaurant, bar, or other public area, proclaiming that you need to see a man about a horse is illegal and requires the offender to register annually in person with local authorities for the next five years. In addition, perpetrators found guilty of verbalizing their intention to shake the dew off the lily, whiz like a racehorse, or siphon the python must inform their neighbors of their status as a sex criminal and stay at least 500 feet away from any public toilet.” Cole added that the new law was in line with a current statute that imposes a 20-year prison sentence on anyone who tells others, without their consent, that they are going to “drop the kids off at the pool” or “let loose a deuce from the ol’ caboose.”