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Former President Donald Trump allegedly shared highly classified information about U.S. nuclear submarines with an Australian billionaire who was a member of Mar-a-Lago. The Onion asked other members what government secrets the 45th president shared with them, and this is what they said.
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Rod Morris, Driver
Rod Morris, Driver
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“I delivered a pizza, and he shoved some nuclear schematics in my pocket and told me Iran would pay me plenty.”
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Kathleen Morgan, Restaurateur
Kathleen Morgan, Restaurateur
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“He offered to disclose the location of the White House to me for $50,000.”
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Paul Wiley, CEO
Paul Wiley, CEO
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“Let’s just say I have everything I’d need to assassinate the entire Cabinet in under 20 minutes.”
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Tabitha Moody, Heiress
Tabitha Moody, Heiress
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“Far more people were killed on 9/11 than the public knows, and I was one of them.”
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Mark Dunst, Security Officer
Mark Dunst, Security Officer
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“What’s Azerbaijan? Anyway, they’re toast on Dec. 3.”
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Malcolm Austin, Venture Capitalist
Malcolm Austin, Venture Capitalist
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“Apparently, the Defense Department has a top-secret headquarters that’s shaped like a giant pentagon.”
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Oliver Franks, Entrepreneur
Oliver Franks, Entrepreneur
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“A fly’s hind wings are actually non-flight balancing organs called halteres, which is less of a secret and more of a cool insect fact.”
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Edward Lindsey, Hedge Fund Manager
Edward Lindsey, Hedge Fund Manager
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“Everyone at his Super Bowl party got a chunk of JFK’s brain.”
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Susan Carney, Oil Executive
Susan Carney, Oil Executive
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“He was offered a three-year, $150 million NBA contract after he threw paper towels to Hurricane Maria victims, giving scouts for the Washington Wizards a chance to see his shooting form.”
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Wu Yongrui, Diplomat
Wu Yongrui, Diplomat
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“I was assured the U.S. military was too weak to resist China because they all wear skirts and go to therapy now.”
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Daniel Glaser, Mine Owner
Daniel Glaser, Mine Owner
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“We are all children, crying out to be held and loved, screaming for succor from the cold night’s terrors, hearing no reply but our echo.”
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Tim Steele, Lawyer
Tim Steele, Lawyer
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“He kissed his cousin Peter when he was 7.”
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Hiram Martin, Real Estate Developer
Hiram Martin, Real Estate Developer
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“Denver is real.”
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Kenford Williams, Day Trader
Kenford Williams, Day Trader
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“He told me the secret in Bush’s Baked Beans is cinnamon.”
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Archer Merino, Music Producer
Archer Merino, Music Producer
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“He had a whole file folder of documents related to Japan spread out on the dinner table. And because I threw up on them, he let me keep them.”
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Marie Damaris, Surgeon
Marie Damaris, Surgeon
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“He actually weighs 600 pounds but carries it well.”
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Q, Prophet
Q, Prophet
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“Nothing I didn’t already know.
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