Sen. Menendez’s Wife Offers To Hit Anyone With Her Car In Exchange For Dropping Charges

WASHINGTON—In an effort to make a deal following a new indictment accusing her and her husband of conspiring to act as foreign agents, Nadine Menendez, wife of Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), reportedly offered to hit anyone with her car Tuesday in exchange for having the charges dropped. “If you have a journalist who’s getting a bit nosy or an associate who did you dirty, I can mow them down, no problem—but I need you to do me this one favor,” said Menendez, adding that she’d even make it look like an accident, which prosecutors must know she was good for, and all they would have to do is forget she ever conveyed directives to her husband from the Egyptian government. “Any age, race, gender, religion. It doesn’t matter to me. Just name your mark, and I’ll barrel into them at 85 miles per hour in my new Mercedes. All I ask is that we pretend this whole conspiracy thing never happened. Heck, I’ll even dump the body in the Hudson to sweeten the deal, if that’s what it takes.” At press time, Menendez had reportedly reached a deal with prosecutors after running over her husband.