Encouraging Study Finds There Still A Bunch Of Kids Who Haven’t Been Shot Yet

ATLANTA—Providing a sense of hope about the gun violence epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a new study Wednesday that found there were still a bunch of kids in the United States who had not been shot yet. “We reviewed the data, and yeah, it turns out there’s a ton of kids who’ve never had a single bullet wound,” said CDC director Mandy Cohen, who breathed a sigh of relief at a press conference as she shared the encouraging news with reporters. “Pretty great, huh? Yeah, I was surprised too, but there are children all over this country who have never experienced the sensation of being shot with a firearm. Ideally, no kids would be shot, but it’s important to look on the bright side of the data. Plenty of young people haven’t even been grazed yet.” Cohen added that, for the time being, there were still some American children out there who hadn’t so much as witnessed a shooting.