GAZA CITY, GAZA—Following conflicting accounts of a horrific attack on a Gaza hospital, officials from the Israeli Defense Forces released a new statement Wednesday that claimed it was you, the reader of this very article, who committed the act of terror. Sources claim to have unequivocal proof that you, dear reader, are solely responsible for carrying out the merciless air strike that tragically killed hundreds of Gazans in a busy hospital last night. The report cites a near consensus among international security personnel that you alone are guilty of this war crime, and also can confirm that you will pay for this committing this atrocity, if it’s the last thing they do. Several reports indicated that security officials have reviewed damning video of you rigging up a missile on your property and then aiming it directly at the hospital and firing, which they plan to release during your Hague trial in hopes of locking you up for the rest of your life in a dark, dingy cell where you belong. According to the report, the only question the IDF has yet to answer is why—why would you inflict such pain and suffering on innocent civilians? At press time, U.S. security analysts independently confirmed that there is a special place in hell for evil scum like you.
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