WICHITA, KS—Addressing the need to incorporate more humane practices at its facilities, Cargill Meat Solutions announced Thursday that it had hired assassins to quietly slaughter cows in their sleep. “In order to reduce the suffering of livestock, trained hit men will creep into the pens of cattle late at night and compassionately terminate each animal before it even realizes what’s happening,” said CEO Brian Sikes, explaining that the consortium of highly skilled assassins would approach cattle as they slept and use a gun with a silencer to discreetly execute the animals as they lay dreaming in peace. “Other assassins will be in the pen with the cows for hours, lurking in the darkness, waiting until the right moment to strike with their ninjatō. The quiet snap of a branch or the click of a door opening may cause an animal to stir slightly in its slumber, but the contract killers will move at lightning speed before the cow’s brain can even register the disturbance, allowing our customers to be satisfied knowing the meat they are eating experienced no pain.” Sikes added that while they were still alive, the cattle would continue to experience the same inhumane conditions as always in the meat-packing plant.
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