DALLAS, TX — Airline passenger Lyle Finch defied the odds Thursday when he stood up faster than anyone else on American Airlines flight 2211 after it had come to a complete stop. Finch was subsequently awarded the gold medal to honor his incredible speed and initiative.
“They said it couldn’t be done, but I proved them all wrong. Look at me, everyone! I’m standing up!” said a clearly emotional Finch. “This is for you, mom!”
According to sources, Finch trained his entire life to be the first person to stand up on the plane after it had landed and come to a complete stop. It was always his dream to be up first and ready to leave as soon as humanly possible.
“At first I did it because I hate flying and don’t want to be on these terrible planes one millisecond longer than I have to,” Finch reflected in an interview with ESPN’s SportsCenter. “But now I do it for the kids. They need a good role model.”
Commentators have reportedly questioned the purpose of honoring such a skill when it accomplishes nothing. “So he stands up first. Whoopdedoo,” said another passenger. “It doesn’t get him off the plane any faster. I’ve seen people wait a half hour to get off the plane after it stops — and they just stand there the whole time like a moron.”
At publishing time, Lyle Finch signed deals with Wheaties and Nike.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!
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