Frustrated Robert Kraft Wishes There Were Somewhere He Could Go To Relieve Tension Of Patriots Season

BOSTON—Expressing his frustration with the franchise’s 1-5 start, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft told reporters Friday that he wishes there were somewhere he could go to relieve the tensions of the team’s season. “This season has gone from bad to worse, and I only wish there were some way I could get some kind of release from all the stress it’s put on me,” said the visibly distressed Kraft, adding that the anxiety over his frequent clashes with head coach Bill Belichick had made his back and neck particularly tight, and if there were any remedy to alleviate the strain, he would want to know about it. “What I really want is someplace I could duck into for a quick discharge of all this built up pressure. Just some kind of establishment that could help me settle down and reduce all this tension I’m feeling. Heck, if the season keeps going on like this, I wouldn’t mind making this kind of physical stress release a regular thing. Sadly, though, I don’t think it does, so I’m stuck with all this tension bottled up, never finding any release.” At press time, Kraft was seen driving around a local strip mall on the off chance that a method of physical tension release presented itself there.