White House Tour Group Shrinks Down To Molecular Size For Journey Into President

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to provide an exclusive peek at what happens behind the scenes in the Oval Office, a White House tour group reportedly shrunk down to molecular size Friday for a journey into President Joe Biden’s body. “We don’t usually do this, but as a little treat, let’s duck into the president’s small intestine and see what sort of official commander-in-chief business it’s up to—everyone behind me!” said three-nanometer-tall tour guide Janet Williams as she pointed out the digestive and nutrition absorption processes that kept President Biden alive to the dozen of visibly delighted and microscopic attendees. “Up ahead, you’ll see his stomach. But, please, folks, don’t touch any of the wrinkles in his gastrointestinal tract. They’re a bit old and delicate. However, feel free to take as many photos as you’d like. Now, everyone zip up their microsuits, the bile can get a little messy up here!” At press time, Williams had reportedly exclaimed “everyone duck!” and blasted apart several Covid-19 particles with her nano-ray gun to the tour group’s raucous applause.