AUSTIN, TX — A study at the University of Texas has confirmed that men will buy absolutely any item on earth so long as it is labeled “tactical”.
“You can slap the word ‘tactical’ on a houseplant and men will buy it,” said lead researcher Dr. Marcus Simms. “Just add a carabiner to a can of soup and voila! Men will be lining up to purchase tactical soup.”
According to researchers, the study placed men in a store with various objects labeled as “tactical” and observed their behavior. “Tactical oven mitts? Yes, please,” said study participant John Halston, throwing a pair into his cart. “Tactical picture frames, yup. Done. Aw, they’re out of tactical plungers!”
The team tried progressively more absurd objects, but there was simply no item the study creators could come up with that men would not buy so long as it bore the “tactical” label. “What even is a tactical record player?” asked baffled research assistant Jamie Haskins. “Doesn’t matter, he’s throwing it in the cart. And there he goes, buying a tactical goldfish. Unbelievable.”
At publishing time, the team was pushing further into feminine products, discovering that only 99% of men would purchase a “tactical fall-scented air freshener”.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!
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