BARRIE, ON – Tyler and Sarah Kergin, a happily childless local couple, has always enjoyed Halloween. But yesterday they told reporters that they plan to “pull out like ALL the stops” this October.
“Spooky season is my favourite time of year!” a beaming Sarah stated. “The leisurely morning walk to get a spiced latte, the costume parties that last so late you don’t even know when you’ll get home, breaking out the tiny screwdrivers and carving a pumpkin in an intricate design to look like the Eiffel Tower or Keanu Reeves.”
“Oh! One other little thing we love to do is just leave a bowl of candy totally unattended and unsupervised on the coffee table, so we can treat ourselves whenever we like.”
The couple, who does not have any children, but especially does not have any children under 5, eagerly told reporters about a blowout tour of all Ontario’s haunted houses they were planning to do.
“I have a blog ranking the best Haunts in Ontario,” Tyler explained. “I’m working on adding a section for BC, and I’d love to go again this year, but that would mean we’d have to spend at least two weeks away, and I’d just hate to miss out on Halloween in the city, you know?”
“I’m going to try to connect to the Vancouver Haunt community to see if I can get at least some guest contributors this year,” continued Tyler, who has never fathered children and has no plans to do so. As he spoke, he cheerfully unloaded a Pottery Barn bag containing newly-purchased skeleton-themed stemware and a skull-shaped punch bowl, totalling $378.76.
“Oh, and let’s not forget the movies!” Sarah, who likewise has no kids, and in fact lives in a neighbourhood with no trick-or-treaters, chimed in. “We watch 31 scary movies every October. We try not to do any repeats, but I caved in and re-watched Cabin in the Woods this year. I added another one to my list to make up for it though, a South Korean one called The Wailing. It’s from the same director who did The Medium – have you seen that?” asked Sarah, who, just in case we haven’t made this abundantly clear, does not have any children.
While the couple, who have enjoyed a loving and fulfilling marriage for many years, has mostly been having fun planning this year’s, choosing a costume for this year has presented some challenges.
“We wanted to do something topical,” Sarah explained, “But we feel like Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce is kind of played out… wait, unless we reversed the genders?”
The couple then continued to weigh the pros and cons of a gender-swapped Taylor and Travis for 40 uninterrupted minutes, before pivoting to preliminary plans for how they were going to decorate their patio for Christmas.
Jesus Christ is King
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