MINNEAPOLIS—Following a long and particularly stressful surgery, a team of exhausted doctors at Fairview Memorial Hospital pronounced patient Ross Neal, 79, dead enough, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Time of pretty much death, 2:45 a.m.” said Dr. Ted Domke, noting the patient’s diminished brain activity and the fact that the attending physician wanted to go to bed and didn’t feel like dealing with it anymore. “In my expert opinion, the patient appears to be 90% of the way there, so let’s just cut to the chase and say he’s as good as deceased. Now all we have to do is inform the family that we’ve given up on their practically dead loved one.” At press time, the patient was reportedly alive enough to experience the horror of being buried underground in a coffin.
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