Maritime Weather Service updates hurricane season forecast from “gosh golly” to “holy cannoli”

HALIFAX – Following a stretch of above-average ocean temperatures and earlier-than-usual storm formation, meteorologists at Canada’s national weather service have officially updated the hurricane season forecast from “gosh golly” to a record-setting “holy cannoli.”

“We’d hoped for a quieter year this year, maybe just an ‘ain’t that somethin’’ or even a ‘huh’, but we knew going into this that we were in for at least a ‘gosh golly’,” explained senior hurricane forecaster Nisha Morin. “But with the oceans bubbling away like a hot pot of Kraft Dinner and the winds blowing harder than a customer service call with Bell Aliant, we had no choice but to upgrade our storm predictions.”

“This updated forecast means Canada should expect to see more storms making landfall as ‘whoppers’ and ‘crackerjacks’, and should prepare for the real possibility that Canada may see its first ever ‘doozy’.”

Residents of Atlantic Canada, the provinces most likely to be impacted by the amended hurricane forecast, say they are still unclear about what the updated forecast means for them. 

“I don’t know what they mean with all these fancy scientific terms like “category 3” and “maximum windgust” and “real humdinger of a storm”,” said 47-year-old Bridgewater resident Paul MacKay. “Just tell me in simple terms how many business weeks it’s going to take for Nova Scotia Power to get the lights back on, and how many bags of chips I need to buy to survive until then.”

Climate scientists have cautioned that if climate trends continue, next year may see the introduction of a brand-new “Jesus H. Christ” forecast. The H will stand for Hurricane. 

Beaverton