Nation’s Big Guys In Shorts Announce They Run Hot

CARMEL, IN—Addressing a group of reporters dressed mostly in long-sleeved shirts, suit jackets, and full-length pants, the nation’s big guys in shorts held a press conference Tuesday to announce that while the autumn weather may seem brisk to others, they tend to run hot. “We run pretty hot, so this doesn’t feel cold to us,” said big guy in shorts Justin Bell, who spoke on behalf of men across the country who were currently wearing cargo shorts, light sweatshirts, and open-toed footwear when they went outside, even as temperatures dipped down into the 40s. “This is shorts weather, as far as we’re concerned, probably because our internal thermostats are set a bit higher than yours. So if you see us walking down the sidewalk, no need to tell us we’re going to catch a cold. We’re actually quite comfortable wearing this. In fact, if it’s not too much trouble, do you mind turning down the heat? We’re starting to sweat a little.” At press time, the nation’s big guys in shorts concluded the press conference by announcing they were “sweating balls up here.”