CAMBRIDGE, MA—Having obtained a vital piece of intelligence that could prove critical to the United States in its war on terror, astronomers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Wednesday the discovery of a distant exoplanet that is capable of harboring terrorists. “After carefully analyzing the latest data from space telescopes, we can confirm that planet 12 Pegasi b has all of the conditions necessary to sustain an al-Qaeda sleeper cell,” said MIT professor Terrance Fuller, explaining that the presence of liquid water and an oxygen-rich atmosphere indicates the far-off planet would be hospitable to violent extremist ideologies that pose a threat to American values. “While more research is needed to determine whether militant Islamists are indeed gathering strength and plotting attacks from a strategic base 1,400 light years from U.S. soil, we must assume an assault from this exoplanet is possible at any time.” At press time, Pentagon sources said the aerospace and defense contractor Lockheed Martin had been hired to obliterate 12 Pegasi b and thereby eliminate any jihadi fighters who might have found safe haven on the planet’s surface.
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