BEIJING — California Governor Gavin Newsom went to China to meet with the head of the totalitarian Communist regime after reportedly feeling “burned out” with his latest efforts to oppress Californians.
“I just feel like I’m running on empty, like I have no good ideas left,” Gavin reportedly told President Xi Jinping. “Closing churches. Masks. Streets riddled with decay and filth. I feel like I’ve done it all. That’s why I’ve come to sit before you — the Mr. Miyagi of authoritarian governing.”
“You still have much to learn, Newsom-son,” said President Xi to the blubbering governor. “There are still many more ways to mess with people before throwing them in jail. You can develop an internet firewall for your state to keep out unapproved opinions, you can outlaw opposing parties, and you can put lots of giant pictures of yourself in every building in the state! Anyone fights back, straight to jail. Oh, and if people make memes about you resembling a cartoon character, right to jail!” shouted the Pooh Bear-shaped dictator.
Mr. Xi went on to explain the need to develop fun re-education camps for people who resist. However, he admonished Mr. Newsom to never make his mistake of allowing a photographer nearby.
At publishing time, President Xi had reportedly declined Mr. Newsom’s invitation to visit California as he only likes to visit clean communist hellholes.
A mother takes her homeschooled children to the public library, only to find it’s changed a lot since she was a kid.
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