BENTON, LA — On the heels of Louisiana Representative Mike Johnson’s election as Speaker of the House, family and close friends of the new speaker were shocked and amazed to learn that Mike Johnson is a congressman.
“Speaker of the House?! I just assumed he worked at Best Buy or something,” said Johnson’s close friend Bill Watts. “When I turned on the television today and saw him holding up the gavel on the House floor, I was totally stunned. A congressman? Are you sure?”
After a tumultuous several weeks, the Republican majority in the House of Representatives finally came together to unanimously elect Johnson. “We were running out of guys to nominate,” said Kentucky Representative Thomas Massie. “Eventually, as a joke, somebody grabbed who we thought was just one of the IT guys in the hallway. Turns out his name is Mike Johnson and he’s been serving in Congress since 2016. Blew all of our minds, really.”
Johnson’s wife, Kelly, was also shocked to learn her husband was a congressman. “I guess it explains a lot,” she said when reached for comment. “I was wondering why he was constantly taking trips to Washington, D.C., and buying a bunch of suits and ties. I’ve always thought he seemed pretty sharp, but a congressman? Wow! Color me surprised!”
At publishing time, new reports were coming in that Congressional Republicans had called an emergency closed-door meeting to discuss the fact that they had inadvertently elected an actual conservative as Speaker of the House.
A mother takes her homeschooled children to the public library, only to find it’s changed a lot since she was a kid.
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