EVERYWHERE—In response to multiple reports of people being fired for criticizing Israel’s airstrikes on Gaza, an encouraging new report confirmed that you can share this image of smiling Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to get your job back. Sources across the nation found that if you simply post this article featuring the grinning visage of the Israeli politician to your personal social media account, your boss will see it, love it, and presto, you’ll be employed once more. Moreover, officials from X, Meta, TikTok, and LinkedIn confirmed to reporters that sharing this image on any of their platforms actually constitutes a legally binding act that requires your CEO to rehire you and, indeed, issue a public apology for wrongful termination. It’s a two-way street, the report stated, which means that anyone who lost a job opportunity for expressing nuanced sentiments on the suffering of people in Gaza will immediately be given back that job, as well as several even better jobs, because this nice photograph will satisfy every hiring manager, executive, and university dean that you fully understand which things you’re allowed to support and which things you aren’t. And lest anyone doubt that sharing this image won’t get you results, reports have already confirmed that one adjunct professor who was suspended for attending a pro-Palestine rally and then shared this image is now the president of her university and also McDonald’s. Simply share this article, the report urged, and sit back to await a call from your boss, who will be weeping in gratitude that you stand with your country on the right side of history. Congratulations on getting your job back! Now get to work. And next time, the report admonished, please remember that this issue is way too complicated for you to weigh in on besides sharing this nice image of Benjamin Netanyahu smiling, now and forever.
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