Study: Climate Anxiety Increases As Rising Sea Levels Expected To Force More People To Wear Swimsuits

WASHINGTON—In the latest study on how the existential threat of global warming is affecting mental health, the Environmental Protection Agency revealed Wednesday that climate anxiety had increased now that rising sea levels were expected to force more people to wear swimsuits. “As glacial ice melts and coastlines move inward, the increased proximity of beaches will bring with it more pressure to look good in swimwear, which creates yet another reason for people to feel anxious about climate change,” said EPA administrator Michael Regan, acknowledging the psychological stress posed by a catastrophic situation in which more and more Americans would be surrounded by waves and sun and left with no choice but to wear swim trunks or bikinis on a regular basis. “Unfortunately, rising temperatures will only compound the problem, because in the decades ahead, every season will be swimsuit season—and eventually, it will be so hot you’ll have to peel off the oversized T-shirt you use to conceal your torso. We can only recommend that the most self-conscious Americans move as far as possible inland and to higher elevations.” Regan added that feelings of “eco-doom” were likely to get worse as people realized the effects of climate change were already upon us and there was no time left to develop the kind of beach bod that would allow them to feel confident in skimpier clothing.