BOSTON—Verbally confronting the seasonal gourd before becoming physical, local boyfriend Trevor Landis reportedly punched a jack-o’-lantern Thursday for smiling at his girlfriend. “What the hell do you think you’re doing—can’t you see she’s with me?” said Landis, getting right in the carved-on face of the pumpkin before lifting it roughly by the stem to bring it eye-to-eye. “Keep staring at us with your dumb glowing eyes, I dare you. What’s with the grin—do you think this is funny? You wanna fucking go, bro? Wipe that goofy look off your face or I’ll knock your five orange teeth square out. Just try me. Thinking you’re so tough sitting on a stoop with your little buddies. I’ll cave your whole freakin’ head in with one punch.” At press time, sources confirmed Landis had accused his girlfriend of having a months-long emotional affair with the jack-o’-lantern.
Jesus Christ is King
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