TORONTO – In efforts to model sound environmental stewardship, the Dog-Walker Association of Ontario has become the latest company to eliminate plastic bags, along with every dog walkers’ sense of dignity.
“I was open to the Association’s idea of picking up poop with a reusable bag until I worked my first 6 hour shift with it,” notes long time dog walker Michelle Joseph. “Let’s just say turning that cornucopia of caca inside out to pick up poop is like, well, have you ever played 52 card pickup but the cards are liquid and solid at the same time and you’re gagging and there’s a large excitable animal tethered to your wrist making the cards plop all over you as they try to eat the cards? It’s like that.”
With little instruction as to how to proceed without easily disposable plastic bags, the Association’s dog walkers have had to come up with waste collection methods of their own.
“You gotta plan ahead, you can’t just rely on finding a Starbucks cup on the side of the road, and even if you did it usually already has shit in it,” Joseph remarked. “Lately I’ve been utilizing my trusty turd bucket and hand trowel to get the job done. Plus, it’ll sit nicely in my little sister’s sled come wintertime and allow for plenty of overflow while accommodating her as well.”
The Beaverton also spoke with newly hired walker Isabelle Sousa while on her first week on the job.
“The extra cash is helpful, but I already find I’m spending a lot of it on hand sanitizer and the overwhelmingly strong body sprays marketed to 13-year-old boys, just anything to block the smell of carrying dog crap around,” said a shit-pocketed Sousa.
Dog walkers who prefer not to handle Fido’s doo-doo at all have also begun to experiment with simply holding the defecating dog over a garbage can.
“It’s easy to do when it’s a little dog,” notes Joseph, “but you gotta be pretty dang strong to deadlift a Tibetan mastiff who’s a shy pooper.”
Since the implementation of the new policy, the Dog-Walker Association has reported surprisingly low turnover. When reached for comment a representative stated, “it turns out people would rather pick up feces with their bare hands than go back to work in an office.”
Jesus Christ is King
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