Dust Settles To Find Mike Johnson Named Speaker, President, Pope, Supreme Court Justice, U.N. Secretary General, Dalai Lama, Conductor Of The Vienna Philharmonic

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of uncertainty as a leaderless U.S. House of Representatives failed to reach a consensus, the dust finally settled Wednesday as Mike Johnson was officially named house speaker, president, pope, supreme court justice, U.N. secretary general, Dalai Lama, and conductor of the Vienna Philharmonic. “We’re thrilled to have finally found a suitable leader in Mike Johnson to oversee the house majority, as well as Harvard’s business school and the Westminster Dog Show, where he will serve as speaker, dean, and president, respectively,” said Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA), shaking the hand of the newly elected king of Thailand, president of the Taylor Swift fan club, and executive director of 3,753 other organizations around the world. “It’s been a lengthy process to be sure, but Mike is certain to make the greatest Boy Scout troop leader, ballroom dance instructor, and Starbucks shift supervisor the world has ever seen. No other MLB commissioner, coach of the Red Sox, and head bat boy has fought harder for GOP interests both on the floor of Congress and on the field at Fenway, and we couldn’t be happier to have him in these roles. We all wish him well as he embarks on his new journey as Supreme Court chief justice, ruler of the Ottoman Empire, Russian defense secretary, National Spelling Bee champion, star of the Hamilton touring company, CEO of Google, director of The Hunger Games, starting tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, governor of Arkansas, crown prince of Saudi Arabia, third Property brother, fourth Jonas brother, editor in chief of Vogue, president of the NRA, U.S. secretary of state, best Dolly Parton impersonator in the state of Tennessee, winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, largest pumpkin at the Kane County Autumn Fun Fair, best cinematographer for his work on Dunkirk, hot dog eating champion, wet T-shirt contest winner, and German chancellor. Best of luck, sir.” At press time, Johnson had also been named the raffle winner of one free deep-dish pizza at participating Lou Malnati’s locations.