NAPLES, FL—Warning that the dangerous contaminant could have easily killed someone if the proper precautions had not been taken, students at a Florida high school were reportedly locked in a decontamination chamber Friday after exposure to a book. “On Friday morning at approximately 8:02 a.m., one of our teachers discovered that a student had come into contact with a 200-page piece of literature and immediately reported it to local authorities,” said school Principal Janice Felter, adding that the student and several of their classmates were immediately placed into straight jackets, tied to gurneys, and sealed in decontamination chambers where they would remain until any acquired knowledge had finally left their bodies. “Currently, they are under strict observation by top medical professionals, but several students are reeling from the effects of the book, which contained thousands of highly toxic words, sentences, and even chapters. While we hope catching their exposure early will limit the book’s harmful effects, all we can do now is wait. If we’re lucky, they will make it through and exit just as uneducated as they were before they read it.” At press time, the entire city of Naples had been placed in lockdown after several of the children reportedly began asking about Rosa Parks, turned trans, violently broke out of their quarantine, and began sprinting towards a local church.
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