New Law Requires Political Candidates To Disclose Fetishes On All Campaign Materials

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide U.S. voters with increased transparency, a new federal law was passed Friday that requires political candidates to disclose their sexual fetishes on all campaign materials. “American voters have the right to know their elected officials’ perversions, whether they involve piss play, electrostimulation, bladder humiliation, or simply ball crushing,” said Federal Election Commission spokesperson Lydia Schwartz, who explained that the new law would compel candidates running for election at federal, state, and local levels to include information about their sexual kinks and fetishes in their video advertisements, mass mailings, and public email communications. “Candidates should include the definition of their fetish as well as a few examples for voters who might otherwise struggle to wrap their heads around self-impregnation. It is not enough to simply state that you are aroused by balloons; you must disclose what about them makes them so titillating.” At press time, the FEC warned that failure to comply with election law would result in severe civil findom.