Republicans Explain Why They Support An Election Denier As House Speaker

“Our two-party system of government works best when one party accepts election results and the other doesn’t.”

“Lord knows I’ve been asking my colleagues to overlook some shit.”

“Why would I abandon the strategy that got me this far?”

“As the representative of a grossly gerrymandered district, I kind of forgot elections were a thing.”

“It seems like he never recovered from his parents’ divorce, so I thought the speakership might cheer him up.”

“That’s not fair. A lot of my colleagues voted for me because of how much I hate gays.”

“If America didn’t want us empowering election deniers they would have voted the right way and not forced our hand.”

“Because I’m going to be raking in seven figures lobbying for Wal-Mart by next year so who gives a fuck.”

“Anything’s better than that cuck Paul Gosar taking charge.”

“He said I could use the speaker’s office when he goes home for the night.”

“He had the little ‘R’ next to his name.”

“How are we supposed to deny the results of the next election if we don’t have a speaker?”

“My entire existence is centered around not making Donald Trump mad.”

“We need to make Mr. Trump feel good. I mean, look at him: He’s mad all the time. Like, all the time! Don’t you just want to do something nice for a big ol’ grinch like that?”

“The beautiful thing about elections is that they’re subjective, like a work of art. They’re not determined by who had the most votes, but by which candidate spoke most eloquently to your heart.”

“At the end of the day, we all just want what’s best for our wealthiest constituents.”

“Because we’re laying groundwork to steal the next election. Was that not clear?”