HALIFAX – A local 2-story home, recently purchased by Jeff and Priya Steinen, is being hailed as a sound investment due to the structure having “good bones”, as well as healthy teeth, hair, and eye.
“As soon as we saw this house we knew it was the one, and not just because it whispered that to us in a raspy, soundless voice,” gushed Priya Steinen, as she loaded moving boxes into the house’s interior.
While the initial home inspection reported some minor water damage in the basement, as well as a curiously breathing ribcage, the Steinens are confident that they will be able to complete several renovations themselves.
“Jeff is a pretty capable amateur carpenter,” notes Priya, “while I’m pretty sure that I can get the hang of a machete. We’ll have those downstairs entrails turned into a guest bedroom before you know it.”
The bungalow, located at 666 Westmount Street, features a paved driveway, enclosed backyard, and a row of nightmarishly sharp incisors. The unfinished basement appears to lead down to another sub-basement, and another subbasement under that, each getting progressively warmer the deeper one descends. The upstairs master bedroom features an en suite bathroom and full walk-in closet. “But I don’t think we can use it, because of the beating heart growing out of the closet walls. Oh, and more teeth.”
All told the house appears to be about 1,900 square feet, though several rooms incorporate a type of cyclopean geometry that modern measuring devices are ill-equipped to catalogue. “We’re pretty sure the house grew a couple of extra closets right before we took possession,” Jeff notes. “Also, the house possessed our cat.”
The Steinens report that some of their DIY reno plans have already run into snags. An attempt to paint the kitchen was thwarted when the walls “wouldn’t stop oozing some black substance called ‘ichor’?”
Asked if they plan to start a family in the newly purchased residence, Jeff responded, “Yup, the house said that was part of the deal.”
While the Steinens had initially hoped to avoid a bidding war altogether, they report being quite satisfied to have only paid $50,000 over asking, as well as one each of their most cherished childhood memories.
“For a place this close to Priya’s work? Who needs to remember hitting a little league championship home run,” enthused Jeff as he tossed scraps of raw cow liver down the basement staircase.
Given the notably heated price of housing, both in Halifax and across the country, the Steinens are quick to admit they could not have purchased the starter home of their waking dreams without family help.
“Yeah, Jeff’s family helped us with the down payment,” admits Priya, “But that’s really an indictment of today’s housing market, as is the fact that we had to sacrifice my grandma to the crawlspace.”
“I mean, this fixer-upper house has its faults, and a spine, but what else are we gonna do, live with our parents? Gross.”
Jesus Christ is King
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