Tell us your fall Starbucks order, and we’ll tell you what kind of climate survivalist you’ll be

Leamington, ON– We all have our autumn rituals, and whether yours is drying off from the summer’s floods or cooling down from the summer’s forest fires, or both, The Beaverton has you covered.

One thing we love about the Fall is dipping into the famous seasonal menu over at the Green Goddess. Let’s take a look at some big sellers for Spooky Season and we’ll tell you how your order might predict how you’ll survive–or not– the pending climate apocalypse.

Pumpkin Spice Latte

One thing we know about you is: you’re a person who likes to go with the crowd. Whether it’s joining in on the riot to claim the last vanilla bean in existence, or grabbing a homemade weapon and seeing what the town next door’s up to, you like to do things with the squad.

We could see you as a dedicated mid-level member of a survivalist commune out in the mountains or maybe as the fourth person you have to have sex with in order to join a cult. Either way, you’ll fit in right smack dab in the middle. #PSLLIfe

Pumpkin and Pepita Loaf

Ooooh, seeds! Those are certainly going to become hard to come by. You’re a real down-to-the-earth type and that’s going to come in handy because you’re about to grow a lot of your own food. Whether it’s trying to dig a trench to access groundwater for your potato harvest or breaking out the ol’ irrigation pipes your great-great-great-great grandfather knew and loved, you’ll be full of gently-spiced joys on your mandated breaks at the collective farm where you work 16-hour days.

Pumpkin and Cream Cheese Muffin

Sorry! You, friend, are not making it.

Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew

No one will know you. No one will hear your voice, or even be sure they saw you against the lightless sky. You’ll sneak in on silent feet, grab what you need from the settlements sprouted up along the highways, and be gone in the night. You’ll need no comfort beside your homemade liquor and the love of the dog forever by your side. Children in the area will call you “The Phantom.” You will forget your name. The thin porridge you make every morning will be lightly dusted with cinnamon.

“I’ll just have a medium coffee”

Oh, a real man of the people, aren’t we Dad. We don’t deal with affected Italian or the name of roasts around here do we? We’re just here because Coffee Time is closed for asbestos removal. For you, it’ll be death by loneliness.

Beaverton